Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tammy is Out. But life goes on!!!

Ratings aren't everything! Ha!

Ok, it's true, no one watches my show - but it's not a fair comparison, I'm on twice a day! I love it!

Seriously - if I'm on two times as day that means my loyal fans have two chances to watch the show, splitting my ratings in half, right???

Who am I kidding?!?! Aw, sh*t, I'm getting my ass kicked by a bow-tied wearing imbecillic heir to a frozen pea fortune!

Ha! I almost said a bad word! Hey, you try not drinking for three years and see how you do!!

Yeah, Tammy H. is out. That's why I've haven't done this whole blogging thing for a while. It really bums me out. But look, first, someone has to take the blame for that fact that more people are watching Dan Fucking Abrams -- I went to his Bar Mitzvah, dammit, and it was last week, ha!! -- and sure as heck it isn't going to be me!

I used to work for Tip Frigging O'Neill, for god's sake!!! Oh and Jimmy Carter, too – I think he founded Habitrail for Humanity or something.

I can't remember - I drank alot from 1976 thru to 1981 - can you blame me?? It was the 70s! Gas lines, the Shah, Disco, Son of Sam??? I would have hung out at Studio 54 if I hadn't been such a dork! Instead it was late night at McFeeley's on 16th Street and M Street. Those were the days! If Washington had had a Son of Sam I'd have been a dead man -- I was young, blond, and beautiful! In those days, I tell ya, I was a pudgy Peter O'Toole!

Second, it's her job to stop me when I'm out to say "shit." Well, techhically on the air, which is harder than it looks! There are so may times during my show that you just want to blurt it out!!

Now that Tammy is gone, it's onward and upward. I'm the go-to-guy for all things political! In a year when we're electing a President, like 2007, I'm more indespensible than ever! I love it!

Se you on the intertubes!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Erin Burnett is Hot!

Oh wow, is Erin Burnett a hottie or what!?

Ha! Just kidding! Not really though - about her being hot, I mean. She is, right!?

And a heck of a reporter! Easy on the eyes and the old wallet, if you know what I mean!

She's from the street - Wall Street! Ha! I love it - she's inflates my portfolio!

Oh, ok lighten up with the PC business -- she's cute, so asked to get closer to the camera.

At my age, leering at younger women and Fred Thompson is all I got!

Sue me - I'm an old fashioned, blue-collar, working-class guy from Philly who likes my men beefy and my women hot but in the kitchen wearing pearls.

Is that so wrong? To want to work out my childhood family issues on national television without restraint, concern for my guests or how my audience may be reacting in alternating fascination and horror??

Hey, look I tried to the whole Tony Soprano-Dr. Melfi route -- it just didn't work for me.

Lying on the couch and spilling my innermost secrets without a camera on held zero appeal - although if my shrink had looked like Lorraine Bracco we might have gotten further!!! Ha!!

Seriously though -- this is why is have this interblog! So I can really empty out out my hidden feelings in public without the limitations I feel on the air!

It's so liberating, I love it!

Well, I feel better! Later, fans!

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Where's The Beef????

You know what I'm talking about!

Where are all the beefy men?

The strong, muscular, manly, hot, meaty kind of men -- the kind you salivate over, you just wanna slather in sauce, throw on the grill, sizzle up, stick in yor mouth and swallow!

I mean, come on, Hillary is leading the race, for god's sake!! Who is going to stop her??

Only a man. A real man. A real big man. A real big, beefy, english leather, aqua velva man!

Look at the other guys - Obama, Edwards, Kucinich - all skinny, little men.

Where are the men who would come home late at night, smelling of cigars and whiskey, knock over a few lamps and holler and yell and tell me to go back to bed - those kinds of real men??

Edwards is like a little kid trying to get attention - I know what that's like! - and Obama is like a dog in the manger - no really!

Fine, but they're all so skinny! Where are all the big men?

You know, but where's the beef?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

We're Never Leaving, Are We?

You know I love movies. Ha!

Anyway, this whole debate about whether we're ever going to leave Iraq got me to thinking about a movie where there was also a long running debate about whether someone was going to leave.

Namely, whether this married man was going to leave his wife. And everyone kept saying, "he's never leaving, is he?" and the other characters said, "no, he isn't."

Iraq is like that movie "When Harry Met Sally" and Carrie Fisher is dating a married man and she keeps saying "I don't he's ever going to leave his wife" and the other girl says "no one think he, is and later Fisher says "I'm beginning to think he might never leave her" and Meg Ryan says "of course he isn't"

And of course he never does. Bush is like that.

Monday, July 30, 2007

OMG!! Hillary's Cleavage!!

Leave it to Cleavage!!

Ha! How about that Hillary?

Going around showing off her cleavage on the floor of the Senate just to get attention!? I love it!

And you know she did that on purpose too! She's so calculating. It's wild!

Now she and Obama are fighting. It's great! I am having so much fun covering their spat. I'm not sure what it's about - something to do with denying the Holocaust and her clothes, or whatever. But it's terrific!

And Alberto Gonzalez!? How are we gonna get that guy outta there? He's such a liar. But cuddly and fun too. I bet the Democrats are loving this!

This has been a fun week, and it's gonna get even better!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Newt Gingrich Attacked Me! Ha!

Look at what Newt Gingrich said about me!
"You're watching an utterly irrelevant, shallow television celebrity dominate everybody who claimed they want to lead the most powerful nation in the world," he said.
Whoa! I love it!

I mean, not what he said, of course - who is he calling "irrelevant"? - but that he singled me out!

This is great! I'm in the news every day. And I'm blogging! This is like the Summer of Matthews!

I've got a question for the former Speaker: if I am so irrelevant, why did he bring me up?

I may be shallow, I'm certainly on tv, and of course I am a celebrity.

Heck, I may be a slightly daffy, Potomac fever-addled, pure Beltway suck up, an ultimate Georgetown cocktail party kiss-ass, a Nantucket dwelling fop, a panty-sniffing, woman-hating, man-crushing D.C. court jester -- but buddy, I've got two tv shows and I am so relevant my random musings are broadcast around the world!

What else are you going to do on Sunday mornings before "Meet the Press," watch the maid boil your eggs?

I used to work with Tip O'Neill, and let me tell you, he would have man-handled someone like Newt so hard his ex-wives would feel it! Now there was a real Speaker!

Newt's always been a pompous elitist cry-baby who looks down on the common man. I love the common man! That's my thing.

Still I love that Newt might get in the race. This could be fun!

He says he's going to beat Hillary and Obama. That seems like overkill, unless he's running for the Democratic nomination. I dunno, he is a little crazy.

Newt - call me!

You've got to come on my show. You know you want to!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I Was on Jay Leno! Wow!

Wow! So here I am in sunny California, land of swimming pools and movie stars. It's great!

I love movies. And actors. And movie stars. I think I saw George Clooney at the McDonald's in Burbank. Well, I thought it was him. It was a really good looking guy anyway!

They say Washington is showbiz for ugly people. Ain't that the truth! Except for Mitt Romney. He's perfect. And the Kennedys. And Fred Thompson. He's got sex appeal. Although I guess he's really Hollywood.

I think Hollywood is politics for good looking people. Ha! Get it!? Everyone here is handsome or beautiful, or in the case of Brad Pitt, both.

Hey, I was Jay Leno last night! Came on after Sandra Bullock. She wore a man's hat. She's adorable. I wonder why men don't wear hats more like they used to. Maybe if Fred Thompson is elected they'll make a comeback.

So I really went after Bush with both barrels. Like a new convert. No more codpieces from now on! He's incompetent, he's a liar, the war is really dumb. I even wowed Jay by saying Iraq was in Arabia. He was speechless. I think he though I said 'Aruba,' and got worried.

I gave my usual spiel about Romney being perfect and Rudy being covered with the dust of 9/11 and Fred with after-shave and cardigan. You know, just what everyone is really thinking. And by everyone I mean me and my fevered dreams. Ha!

It was great fun and I would go back. Thursday I'm going visit the Chinese Theater (boy, they're everywhere aren't they?) the La Brea tar pits, and hopefully the set of "Leave It to Beaver." If I get my picture taken in front of the Beaver's house with a "Fred Thompson '08" bumper sticker maybe they'll post it on the website!

On the other hand, I am sort of a journalist, so that might not be a good idea. Oh well.

After that, I gonna use this cool "Map of the Stars Homes" I bought and find out where Roy Rodgers lives. This is gonna be so cool!!!